Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
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I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.