Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
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SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?