It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
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[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.