The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
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Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes