The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
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“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
RT if you could go either way.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?