I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I’ve had relationships like this
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Me, flirting😏
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.