seems like a niche market
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[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*