Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
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Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I hope this email finds you in a well
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.