I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
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Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Personal question. #JustSaying
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
2 years later
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no