Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
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*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Isn’t
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
sir, my pâté if you please
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume