nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
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20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
when there are deer in the woods
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.