A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
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Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon