Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
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please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.