I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
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Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend