Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
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Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.