Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
You Might Also Like
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I’m sure it’s fine.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Erm…
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.