I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?