When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME