Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
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Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.