You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
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If you love someone, let them sleep.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”