This why you should mind your business
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I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
White parent Vs Arab parents
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”