turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
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Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
oh u like geography? name every lake
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Yup.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.