there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.