DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
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When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work