Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
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TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.