you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
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I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
If only
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Think I pulled my liver
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.