Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
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marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.