I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
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Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again