I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
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Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
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My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
All is fair in drunk and war.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
If only.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.