opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
You Might Also Like
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
estão todos miauvindo?
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Not my job 😂
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?