[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
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Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
m’lady
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.