If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
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Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*