Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
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How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.