*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
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I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.