BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
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Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
accurate
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…