“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
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[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago