Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
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How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
when you order from DoorDastardly
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread