Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor đ
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
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LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
If Iâm so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I donât
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
thatâs my husband on the left and me on the right
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then Iâll get the thesaurus
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Listerine: âI kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!â
Germ: âSo youâre telling me thereâs a chance!â
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I donât need vacation to feel that way
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Agreed to an âinterviewâ by my 5y/o and her first question was, âWhat do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?â and I feel like this is a hit job.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
the word âcrochetingâ pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, itâs called crowshaying but weâre gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husbandâs performance when heâs in the throes of a toe cramp.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[yard sale]
Cop: Weâre here to question you about your neighborâs missing…is that a gun? Weâre going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?