Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
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ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.