The real reason evolution started..😂
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I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman