It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
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*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me