‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
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“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I feel seen.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I’m sorry…what?
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.