“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
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Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
New favorite tiktok
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???