This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
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Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.