[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
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[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Education is vital
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Alexa: *deep breath*
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions