Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
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When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is