Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
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“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.