word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
You Might Also Like
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Pretty much! 😂👀
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
why am I working on Labor Day
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that