thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
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The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.