[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
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Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them